Medical jokes
I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....
Why did the tamale go to the hospital?
Tamalito.
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."
So I said, "Aquarius."
And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."
If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.
I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.
Why did the Polish urologist cut his cock off with a knife?
To take care of his erectile dysfunction.
If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?
The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."
Trump's medical records were just released. According to the brain scan, the left side of his brain has nothing right, while the right side has nothing left.
A woman comes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I have cancer." The doctor checks it out. "It’s all in your head," the doctor says. "Phew," said the woman. "A bunch of tumors, all in your head."
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."
Welcome to ____ pizzeria and abortion clinic where your loss is our sauce.
What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."
Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩⚕️?
Because he had a sour stomach.
I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.