Medical jokes

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

I took a banana to the doctor. It wasn't peeling well.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

What do you call a doctor that's a skeleton?

Doctor Bones.

What type of doctor is Doctor Pepper?

A fizzician.

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!

Doctor: Sit down for a minute.

Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.

Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."

I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

So they can get in the cast!

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.

For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.

What do a gynecologist and deaf people have in common? They both read lips.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

Why is a sick person and California similar? They tend to burn up.

I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.

So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?

One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!