ME jokes
I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
Mom says: "I will go kill myself."
Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*
Some time later me fighting with my mom:
Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"
Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"
Lesson?
So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?
The humor of this generation of kids shouldn't be called 'brain rot'; it should be called 'brain rape.' I believe most people of this generation that aren't 5-year-olds could agree with me, but my mind and thoughts have been violated by the things that kids these days find funny and entertaining. #SKIBIDDI
Person 1: “You assume I’m gay because I have rainbow hair, I’m wearing a rainbow shirt, and I have a rainbow pride flag behind me?”
Person 2: “You assume I’m disabled because I have deformed arms and limbs, no legs, and I ride around in a wheelchair?”
Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.
Statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. But not me, I live next to a 10-year-old boy with a fat ass.
Me playing a game...
What did God just stop? Are hearts cause we didn't kill each other.
Like if that was good.
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?
Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.
I like porn a lot. I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.
In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.
Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.
DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED SETTLERS OF CATAN!
“Wheat is going on?” I asked my godmother. She replied “Godson, I really don’t know, but could you please get me some m-ore Shloer?”
“Ok, I’ll sheep if there’s any in the fridge!”
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.
I said that I have been ill.
What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.
One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."