ME jokes

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Call me an elevator, because I let people down.

I tried to high-five a tree. It left me hanging.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

What's the difference between me and my pencil sharpeners? Nothing, we're both broken.

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.

For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

What did the plane say to the tower?

"Give me a kiss."

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.

Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

Bestfriend @3am: I love you.

Me: Love you too.

*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*

I don't know if this is funny.

My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.

Religious mom: FINALLY!

Me: Grabs a noose.

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

Me: power button.