ME jokes

I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

Depression: "Lie in bed."

What was Michael Jackson's favorite song?

"Touch Me (I Want Your Body)."

Officer, I drop-kicked that child in self-defense!

You gotta believe me!

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.

I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?

Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?

The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....

Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.