ME jokes

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

What was Michael Jackson's favorite song?

"Touch Me (I Want Your Body)."

Me- *crying in the shower*

Also me- *why is my toaster in here?*

Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

Depression: "Lie in bed."

Officer, I drop-kicked that child in self-defense!

You gotta believe me!

I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?

The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.