ME jokes

Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?

I am not registered.

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

(some kid crying because hes an orphan and kids are bulling him) teacher:HEY i was a orphan to so if you bully him your basicly trying to bully me too me:OOF teacher:now is somebody not here? me:your parents

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"