ME jokes

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

I was out to dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 47, had many people shouting at me and calling me a creep.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah." "Does it hurt?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

Nobody: Aww, that's so sad!

Me: Just like me.

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

my therapist told me that time heals wounds i stabbed him now we wait

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

The doctor told me I'm color blind...

Me: That's out of the purple!

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

What's the difference between me and a registered sex offender?

I am not registered.