ME jokes
My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
All these suicide jokes are f***ing killing me.
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
halloween be like
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
Do people even like me, C. A. S. N. O. V. A.?
Bestfriend @3am: I love you.
Me: Love you too.
*wait whatttttttttttttttttttt*
I don't know if this is funny.
The Twin Towers remind me of an emote... bing, bang, boom.
Treat me like a joke, and I will leave you like it's funny.
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
For some reason, when my mom eats hot dogs, she likes to lick and suck on it first. As a son, can anyone tell me why?
What was Michael Jackson's favorite word to say to parents and tabloids? "Leave me alone."
My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
My gay ass: I want to find Jesus.
Religious mom: FINALLY!
Me: Grabs a noose.