ME jokes

I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.

What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I once had a cat that reminded me of Doug Ford.

Fat, mean, and probably inbred.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Me: Mom, the weight scale wants your weight, not your phone number!

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?

Adopt Me.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?

"I finished my job."

What about me?

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.