ME jokes

After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,

Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

Me: "WYD?"

Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."

Me: "Without me? Lol"

A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!

What's a native chick say after sex?

"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"

Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."

What did the Emo kid say to the other Emo kid?

Wait! Don’t leave me hangin’!

What's the difference between a knife and me?

One has a point.

Me: What are we doing in HPE?

Friend: Fitness.

Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.

Her: Eat my ass!

Me: Yes, chef!

Cousin: Hahaha, I am their biological parent.

Kid: So what? At least they love me more.

A man sees a girl crying and asks her what's wrong.

The girl replied, "Everyone keeps making fun of me."

"You should tell your parents," I replied back.

The girl started crying even more. That's when I got confused and left the orphanage.

"Talking Ben killed me. JK, it was talking me."

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

The name is Ash, Johnathan Ash. My friends call me Jack.

Have you seen my uncle?

Jesus: I have.

God: Me too.

Roses are red, violets are blue, in the middle of the day, give me money, you!

Bo: Hey kids, I am so sad that you won’t exercise and give me Bo power, so I am just going to be an orphan.

Kids changing the channel to Annie.

Annie: Tomorrow, tomorrow, only a day away.

TV changing the channel back to Bo On The Go.

Dezzy: WAAAAAAAAAA, I can’t find Bo!