ME jokes

What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?

"(Me)owwww!"

Please don't kill [me].

Lil Johnny went to school and said, "Teacher, if you let me poop my pants, I will let you have my dad and his money. Will you do it, Mrs. Johnson?"

What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"

What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"

Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!

Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!

Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!

What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!

Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!

What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!

Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.

Orphan: But I don't have a mom!

Me: I call my girl Cinderella.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because she loves balls.

Did you fart, cause you blew me away?

"Me so cutie right?"

A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.

PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂

Okay, I'm so sorry, Alya, and Drew. I didn't mean to say that you guys were stupid and cringy. I mistyped. Can you guys forgive me by any chance? I'm so sorry :(

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.

A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"

I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

Me starts a cult just for fun... Just for fun!

I left Twitter for a while, and when I tried to log back in, I found out I was suspended. I realized it was a penalty for saying some prohibited words on Twitter.

Sadly, my idol Pristiano Penaldo took the penalty for me and he missed, and now I'm on my alt. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Cousin: Hey, is that an octopus?

Me: Yes, what, it is just an octopus.

Cousin: Oh yeah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Octopus touch me!

Me: What, it is just one..... ummmmm dad cousin d[id].

Me: Hey, have you seen my butt?

Him: No, have you seen where it is?

Me: Maybe here on your private part hehe.

Him: *dumps my head on the toilet* HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR ASS NOW, PERVERT?

Attention to everyone - I will be leaving for 3 weeks for a summer break. I will be back in 3 weeks. When I come back, I want someone to tell me everything that has happened over these weeks. (Gwen or Addison Banks).

Sincerely, watersharky.

My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.