ME jokes

I left Twitter for a while, and when I tried to log back in, I found out I was suspended. I realized it was a penalty for saying some prohibited words on Twitter.

Sadly, my idol Pristiano Penaldo took the penalty for me and he missed, and now I'm on my alt. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Cousin: Hey, is that an octopus?

Me: Yes, what, it is just an octopus.

Cousin: Oh yeah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Octopus touch me!

Me: What, it is just one..... ummmmm dad cousin d[id].

Okay, I'm so sorry, Alya, and Drew. I didn't mean to say that you guys were stupid and cringy. I mistyped. Can you guys forgive me by any chance? I'm so sorry :(

Me starts a cult just for fun... Just for fun!

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

Me and your mom in the bed.

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.

Orphan: But I don't have a mom!

Me: I call my girl Cinderella.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because she loves balls.

Did you fart, cause you blew me away?

"Me so cutie right?"

A woman once falsely accused me of rape, and I was sentenced to life in prison.

PLEASE CONSIDER LAUGHING now 😂

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"

I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."

You see, my son is very into astronomy.

Son: How do stars die?

Dad: Usually overdose, son.

I'm such an asshole to my son, my wife divorced me.

Me: When I saw an orphan on the street in rags.

Also me: Are you okay?

Orphan: Yeah, what gave it away?

Me: Because you have no family.

My parents gave me a blowjob. It was a blowtastic time!

Me: I'ma sign up to be a clown.

My friend: Why?

Me: Because my life is a joke. 😂

I was baking a cake when I saw some egg shell in the mix. I said, "You've got to be yolking me!"

Me: Imagine not having hair.

Kids: On chemo.

Bitch the fuck.

I'm deaf. My deaf ex-wife cheated on me with a guy who I met on a deaf social trip who was also deaf. I guess I didn't see the signs at the time.