ME jokes
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
"freshfry talk to me!"
Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.
Me: Nah, it's just two tired.
Life is better without my dad annoying me (him smacking me, screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more).
Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.
Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?
One day I was texting my friend on Roblox and I made her mad. She told me she was gonna kill me.
That night, she told me to meet her at the bathroom at 2 PM sharp, but she made "sharp" in all caps. So I went to the bathroom at 2 PM the next day. Now I know what she meant by "SHARP" on Roblox... she brought a knife, and I was in hell by then. Like for the next part!
Add me on Discord! @ moon💕#9999
Gwen, I thought you would be with me if Prince broke up with you... :((((((
Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.
Hello guys. It's me, Donald fuckin' Trump. Ask me anything in the comments, guys.
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Mary."
"Mary who?"
"Marry me!"
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.
So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...
Why is Lucas so weird? I don't know, you tell me.
Me: I have a dream.
Mom: What?
Me: For you to fucking shut up.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.
I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.
What is my favourite word?
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
What did the squirrel say when he chewed some saggy boobs?
Is it just me or do these taste like nuts?
Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.