ME jokes

People

    • People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.

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    • Cow

    • I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.

    The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"

    That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.

  • 1

    • Wife

    • Dschoha's wife was accustomed to go out at night to meet her lover, which caused the neighbors to tease Dschoha. Thus, one night he stayed awake until she left, then locked the door and sat down just inside.

    Upon returning, she found the door locked. She asked him to have mercy on her and to open the door, but he just scolded her.

    Having given up hope for a good outcome, she said to him, "If you don't open the door for me, I'll jump into the well."

    Then she picked up a large stone and threw it into the well. Filled with regret, he ran outside to see what had happened. His wife immediately slipped into the house and locked the door.

    He made every effort to convince her to let him come inside, but she scolded him incessantly, saying, "This is what you get for staying out all night with your drunken friends!" And thus she succeeded in shaming him in the presence of all their neighbors.

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    • Poem

    • I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.

    'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!

    Like I said, it's really bad. :(

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    • Daughter

    • So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

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    • ME memes

    Balance

    • Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... she had really bad balance.

    Baker

    • I'll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you're now worthless to me!

    Depression

    • Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.

    Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.

    Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.

  • 1

    • Bi

    • Frenid: R u gay?

    Me: Yes u

    Frenid: No I am bi.

    Me: Dang it!

    Frenid: What?

    Me: I like u.

    Frenid: Ok I like u to.

  • 2

    • Skeleton

    • Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?

    Me: He could feel it in his bones.

    Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!

    Heheh ;3

    Jaiden

    • Me: Hi Jaiden.

    Bully/Jaiden Harper: Leave me alone, weirdo.

    Me: Wow, says the one who didn't pass 3rd grade.

    Bully/Jaiden Harper: *hits*

    Me: *calls FBI and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves* Bye bye.

    FBI: FBI OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!