ME jokes
Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.
Her: Eat my ass!
Me: Yes, chef!
Well, a lock and a key were going on vacation, but the key said, "Help me, I'm stuck!" and then the lock said, "I think I am in lock-shary."
What did the Emo kid say to the other Emo kid?
Wait! Don’t leave me hangin’!
Jesse: Do you like my ball?
Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?
Jesse: No, they do not leave me.
Memes
Chris said to me in P.E. that he likes Jacob, and he said he wants to go straight to the bedroom.
Never talk about 9/11 to me. I lost my dad in it.
He was a great pilot ;(
You: You are such a flick pain.
Me: You are flick pain to my sight.
OnlyFans, but it’s me smacking your baby daddies with Twisted Tea.
Only Cans.
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,
Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
What's a native chick say after sex?
"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
What did the shoe tell the feet?
"Put me on your feet!"
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!
A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!
Did you hear they’re making an Elmo toy to appeal to the Tourette’s crowd?
I believe it’s called the “Tic Me Elmo.”
Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!