ME jokes
Man: Hey Siri!
Siri: Yes?
Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?
Siri: Uh...
*phone literally explodes*
My boyfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
Don't scare me! I poop easily!
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
What's the difference between me and my mate...
I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.
My boyfriend thinks he’s hilarious.
Him: How do you break things?
Me: You break things up.
Him: Okay.
Me: Is everything okay?
Him: We’re a twig. We’re breaking up.
Me: What do you call a group of retards?
Friend: Down town?
Me: Nope, target practice.
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.
Roses are red. I love hot food. If I was a bad bitch, I'd wanna fuck me too.
Oh wait, I am.
Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,
Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.
Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?
Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!
This orphan showed me a family photo.
But it was just a selfie.
Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes! Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?