ME jokes

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

What’s the difference between me and grass? Grass doesn’t cut itself.

To RANDYYYY,

Hi Randy, this is ALYA. I don't want to fight with you. If you're an orphan and you do know about your past, you probably get sad, right? Well, these jokes just bring up the bad times for me.

-ALYA with love

Does it make me gay if I kiss your dad and he decides to drill my ass?

No one will fight me, who is brave and strong enough to beat this beta simp femboy?

I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut for me.

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

My friend: "Hey, I see a dwarf!"

Me: "Where?"

Friend: "In front of me."

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

Teacher: Can someone tell me the only living thing that can reproduce without sex?

Little Johnny: "Your wife."

One thing you can ask Mario:

"Can you jump up and down for me?"

"1v1 me in Clash, you're trash, bro."

What's the bad version of "Fuck Nirvana, rape me?"

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.