ME jokes

Person: What's your perfect date look like?

Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.

For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:

Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."

Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."

Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."

What's the difference between me and an orphan's parents?

I actually come back with the milk.

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*

No one:

Literally no one:

Me: Time to make his life hell.😈

Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.

Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.

What's the difference between me and the rest of America?

I love one and hate the other.

Have you ever heard of hearing aids?

Yeah, me neither.

HELP! HELP!

TELL THE PRIEST TO STOP TICKLING ME!

Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?

Shut up and pass me the note.

"Mommy, mommy! Are we janitors?"

"Shut up and pass me the mop."

Yo momma so fat, I asked her to save me a seat, so she sat down and she saved 10, and one by one the legs started popping off.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"

Me: "Oh hell nah"

"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"

There was a kid sitting in a corner.

Me: "Hey! Why are you here at an orphanage?"

Orphan: "..."

Me: "Oh, wait, you're an orphan."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

QoS.

QoS who?

QoS there me me who me and you.

What was Stephen Hawking's favorite line in Rambo?

"Don't push me."

Fuck me.

A lot of people get mad at me for my bad jokes. I always thought they were punderful.