ME jokes

Wanna hear a joke? It's called me :|

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

Why did you put your dirty ass feet in my grits without telling me all this?

Because I forgot to wash and dry them with a paper towel.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

Do you love water?

Then you love 75% of me.

Me: What are you?

Jake: A muddeasso.

I asked my mom if I could be Wednesday (from the Addams family). She said no. She said I would look creepy and weird. She said I HAVE TO BE SOMETHING CUTE. The outfit looked ridiculous. Everyone else looked spooky except for me ;-;.

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

One day I was at church. I had to sit down. I said, "Who in the world stinks?" I looked down. Turns out it was me, and this is not a joke, but funny.

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

What did the plane that crashed on the ground say? Let me crash between those legs, girl!

Sorry, cringy joke.

I saw a kid sitting on the side and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well, your parents, for a start.”

A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...

I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"

Me: Which WiFi are we on?

Coworker: Should be floor 89.

Me: What about flight 104?

Coworker: Oh crap!

What is the difference between me and food?

Food has a use.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.