ME jokes
A blonde crashes an airplane.
Officer: Could you please explain to me what happened?
Woman: It got so cold in the plane, I turned the fan off.
Officer: *face palms self*
Also officer: Here's your sign.
I walked up to 2 people kissing and stared.
After a little while, they asked me if I minded. I said no, I don’t mind.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"
Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.
My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.
Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.
Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?
Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!
My friend jokingly confessed to me she did prostitution (consensual).
She wasn't joking. :0
We are 15....
What is the difference between me and the Twin Towers?
My mom was only airplane feeding me a spoon.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You look like Shrek, And you make me peck.
I have 25 friends from the alphabet, but don't ask me why.
Are you a razor? 'Cause you make me red.
If you are a big fan of me, go to the movie and I kill the bad guys. If you don't, I will be mad and I will be sonic.exe lol.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's me. I can't get in because Stephen Hawking is in the way.
My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance on the cliff, so I pushed her over because I lost my balance!
I call this my great talk with Siri.
Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.
Siri: My mother? Huh?
Me: Did I stutter?
Siri: Interesting question.
Me: It wasn’t a question.
Siri: I’m not sure I understand?
Me: You should understand.
Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?
Me: No, you b***.
If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.
There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."
John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"
Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"
John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons.
"My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don’t succumb to his sexual advances, I would have to jump out of the plane."
And his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?"
The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."