ME jokes

Masturbation

    • My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

    Watch

    • Can I watch you?

    Yes, you can watch me your watch.

    No, I mean can I WATCH you?

    I don't get it. 😑 *facepalm*.

    OOOOOOH YOU MEAN WATCH WITH YOUR EYES! YES!

    Mom

    • You're gay.

    Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

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    • ME memes

    Pen

    • I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.

    I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!

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    • Style

    • Repeat after me...

    Me: "You have a weird style."

    Mom: "You have a weird style."

    Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*

    Spongebob

    • (This isn't really a joke btw anyway.) SpongeBob, me boy, ye ruptured me intestines with that massive c*ck of yours, agahgahagahagahagah!

    Penis

    • Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

    Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

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    • School

    • Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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    • Crush

    • High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

    Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

    High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

    Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

    High school crush: Who is it?

    Me: You.

    Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

    Me: Fuck that.

    Orphan

    • Me: You know your parents were very good people.

    Orphan: Wow, I didn’t know that.

    Me: I know, you're an orphan.

    Comeback

    • My friend: "Yo, stupid."

    Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

    My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

    Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

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    • Hypocrite

    • A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.

    Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.

    Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?

    Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?

    Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.

    Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.

    Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.

    (5 seconds later)

    Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!

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