ME jokes

If 9/11 happened again, I want to share a selfie of me flying that plane.

I was doing some karate the other day at the studio.

They kicked me out because I was doing “kungi fui.”

Some guy: making a sandwich.

Me: *rages* to put the ham in!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Utah.

Utah who?

You're talking to me.

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

My Mom said she's going to kill me if I don't stop using my computer.

Friend: Hi.

Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?

Friend: Me?

Me: Damn, no, not you.

Friend: Then who?

Me: The orphan kid.

I guess we're the same.

When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Silly joke! Where’s my natcho? You have it :excuse me it’s nacho cheese 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

My girlfriend is so stupid, she asked me if I wanted to shower with her to save money on our water bill, while we were staying at a hotel where we didn't even have to pay the water bill.

Please don't make a joke about me; I'm just a human.

I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂

Mate, my wife Susan has kicked me out again, anyone got a lift?

I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

A king ordered to execute a gay man.

The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

If you don't have big Nyash,

Lower your voice while talking to me, you Mau Mau warrior. 😂😂😂