ME jokes

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

MISSING!!

MISSING!!

Name: Ghostiano Penaldo

Missing: 27/6/2021 vs Belgium

Characteristics: Disappearing in big games + Diving + always ranting "give me penalty".

Last found - Practicing tap ins.

Possible Locations: Penalty Spot, Parma, Crotone.

Might be dangerous towards good players.

Teacher told me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch, fool.

I was in class doing sex education. We were learning about sexual stereotypes.

My teacher turns to the class and asks, "If anyone could tell him what a sexual stereotype was?"

So I raised my hand and said, "Asians have small penis." He looked at me and said, "Very good, but I was looking for a definition."

What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

Imagine this: You're at math class. The teacher asks you, "What's 11 * 11?" You say, "120." The teacher says, "Wrong!" You say, "How off was I?" The teacher says, "1."

Me rn: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHERES THE RAGE TABLE or something like that.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

Is it just me or is your personality fake as well? Can't tell because everything about you is.

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)

I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

Are you a waterfall?

'Cause I'm falling for you.

Me: Do you like cobble?

My friend: No.

Me: Gobble deez nuts!

Me: I hit an orphan!

Mom: OMG WHY?

Me: Not like they can tell their parents-

Me: I know how to use a microwave!

Also me: Mom! The microwave is on fire!

Your mom gave me a three course meal last night:

Starters - Foreplay

Main course - Reverse Cowgirl

Dessert - Blowy

Won't forget the side drink of an individual on individual bukkake.

I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.