ME jokes

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”

Me being raped is like my birth certificate; it doesn't expire.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

What is the difference between me and a retard?

At least I have chromosomes.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.

It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?

Shut up and pass me the note.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!

Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.

Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.

A B C D E F G H I see a bitch in front of me.

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

What did the seal say to the shark?

"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"

A friend sits across from me at class so I asked if she wants to hang out sometimes. She said yes, so I called her over to my house, and that's the day I found out she was a guy.

The moral of the story: don't try to fuck your friends.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!