ME jokes

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

Man asking waitress, "Pardon me, miss, may I ask you about the menu, please?"

Waitress, "It's none of your business about the men I please!"

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

You know the difference between me and a zebra? Me neither.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

Enough with the Nazi jokes.

They make me führeious!