ME jokes

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

My sister asked me what is dark humor. I asked what does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? "Kinder Surprise!"

I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

My thighs have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

My math teacher keeps telling me to find his x. It's kinda creepy.

My kids found me in the family tree. I was hanging there for hours.

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”