ME jokes
Friend: You ok, man?
Me: Yea... I'll just leave myself "hangin'" tonight...
On my 21st Birthday, my mom told me, "I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child, you're going to get something good, something you've been looking forward to," is what my mom said.
Me, my mom, and my only friend celebrated my Birthday, then we all went to sleep. I woke up the next day. I asked, "Hey, where's my gift you said you got me?" My mom said, "Since your father left us, you have no father figure in your life, so this is your new stepfather." The only thing is, it was my only friend.
Q. You know what really bugs me?
A. Insect puns.
Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."
Me: I will f**k ur mom.
Orphan: I don't have one.
Me: ......
Laugh it off
Add me on Fortnite, my user is liamonoce2004 :)
There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.
Random person: What stuff? 🤨
Me: What?
The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!
Me: Colourful flamingo fart.
"You momo joso fat, she went in the ocean and the whales came up to her and started singing, ""We Are Family"" even though you are father than me."
"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."
Me: "Gift a homeless kid iPhone 7."
The kid: But it has no home button.
Me: Exactly. 💀
Will someone play Roblox Adopt Me with me?
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
How do you know when you are dating a cannibal?
You go to the beach, he offers to put suntan oil on you, and the brand name is Wesson.
You are having sex and he says he wants to eat your a$$ and you notice he is holding a knife and fork.
He invites you to his home to use the hot tub and it is heated by a wood fire.
You are having an argument and you say "bite me" and he starts to sharpen his teeth.
My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!
Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).
Student: How should I know, that's his story?
His neighbor asked Hodja,
"Do you have some forty-year-old vinegar?"
"I have," answered Hodja.
"Would you give me some? I need it to prepare a medication," said the man.
"No, I won't," replied Hodja. "If I had given some to everybody who asked for it, would I have it for forty years?"
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵