ME jokes

Knock knock... Who's there? It's Jesus, let me in... Why? I have to save you... From what? From what I'm gonna do to you if you don't let me in.

Man asking waitress, "Pardon me, miss, may I ask you about the menu, please?"

Waitress, "It's none of your business about the men I please!"

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." I said, "Capricorn." He said, "Nah, you got cancer."

Boy: "My girlfriend didn't dump me, I dumped her..."

Off the nearby cliff.

The teacher of the ELA class said that whoever answers this next question gets to go home. Then a kid sitting next to the window threw his bag out the window. Teacher asked who threw that, he said, "Me, I'm going home." Before he could move the teacher pointed a ruler at him and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot," he got suspended for asking which end.

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

The joke above me sucks.

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

I saw a beautiful homeless girl and asked if I could take her out on a date. She politely accepted and enjoyed herself. Soon after, I asked if I could take her home, she smiled and nodded her head. Her smile disappeared when she saw me running away with her cardboard box.

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

I was wondering why the basketball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.