ME jokes

Boat

    • A man was almost about to drown. A boat said, "Do you need help?" And he said no.

    After the boat left, another boat came to the sea, and they asked if he needed help, and he said no.

    And he asked God, "Why didn't you help me?"

    God said, "I sent you two big boats, you dummy!"

    Disappointment

    • I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

    I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

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    • Grandfather

    • My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

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    • Doctor

    • The doctor gave me 6 months to live.

    So I shot him.

    Judge gave me 20 years.

    Problem solved.

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    • ME memes

    Mom

    • As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.

    I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."

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    • Story

    • A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

    "Interesting."

    "That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

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    • Laundry

    • Wife: I think these pants are getting too small for me!

    Husband: Don't worry, maybe you are just bad at laundry.

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    • Knock

    • Me: Knock knock.

    Some dude on the street: Who's there?

    Me: Whowhowho.

    Dude: Whowhowho who?

    Whowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowho.

    Boy

    • This ole boy that's locked up called his ole lady and got into it with her, and she said, "Well, fuck you, I don't need you no more anyway. I got 2 or 3 guys out here wanting me and trying to fuck me."

    He said, "Well, honey, that's the least of my worries. I got 10 or 12 guys in here tryin' to fuck me."

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    • Pilot

    • My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

    So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

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    • Hide-and-seek

    • Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?

    Seek and Hide: Me.

    Figure: Okay, hide and I will hide and Seek will be it.

    Seek: Why do I have to be it?

    Figure: Because your name says so.

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    • Lyric

    • Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.

    Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.

    Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.

    Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.

    Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.

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