ME jokes

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

Roses are red, violets are blue, gum makes me beautiful, but what happened to you?

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

Me: Do you like cobble?

My friend: No.

Me: Gobble deez nuts!

Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.

Friend: What was the first?

Me: They- they weren't always orphans.

Friend: O-O

If she’s old enough to breed, she’s old enough for me.

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

Tell me a joke about sodium.

Na.

",':/ wait wtf that post below me was gay."

Man: Hey Siri!

Siri: Yes?

Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?

Siri: Uh...

*phone literally explodes*

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

Teacher: Why were you late?

Me: Traffic.

Teacher: Did I did it?

Me: Did I even blame it on you?

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

What did the soccer player say to the flight attendant? "Please put me in coach!"

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Waiter: Can I have your order?

Me: No, it’s mine!