ME jokes

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears! :3

Why do you want me?

Cus u like me...

What do you mean?

You love me.

No.

Look down.

Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

I once asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said, "NaBrO."

What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?

The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”

And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

My mom calls me.

Me: WHAT MOM?

No answer.

Me: WHAT?

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

I'm bored. If you want to friend me in Roblox, my username is Talitha95g and my nickname is talithafromamirica.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.