ME jokes

Sister: Why does shampoo have directions?

Me: 'Cause God made you.

Me: The light wow brighter than my future.

I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

What did the orphan poker player say to the elder?

“Will you raise me?”

Life is karma... because I was born, God gifted me with social awkwardness, sh*t athletic skills, and stupidity.

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

I'm bored. If you want to friend me in Roblox, my username is Talitha95g and my nickname is talithafromamirica.

Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?

Doctor: The morgue.

Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!

Doctor: And we're not there yet!

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

"Fuck me right in the balls, you dirty cow!"

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

I read a quote about the Twin Towers that hit me like a plane.