ME jokes

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?

Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.

I hope death is a girl. That way, it'll never come for me.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

Me, an orphan: *laughing at orphan jokes*

Some person: Stop laughing, it's sad to laugh at your pain.

Me, an orphan: That's the funny part, what am I going to do, tell my parents?

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

When someone says: "You're a mistake."

Say: "The only mistake I see is right in front of me."

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

Depression: Here, your mom just died.

Me: My mom is already dead.

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

Thomas Jefferson’s 80th b-day bash be like:

Jackson: "CALHOUN! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME - IN BED WITH THE CONSTITUTION??"

Me: I hit an orphan!

Mom: OMG WHY?

Me: Not like they can tell their parents-

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.

Me: Do you like smash?

Friend: Smash Rolls?

Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!

Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

When I saw you, it instantly made me cry. LOL.

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

I saw a little boy sitting on a curb wearing rags.

I said: "Aww, are you an orphan?"

And he responded with "Yeah. What gave me away?"

And I said: "Your parents."

Q: Why did baby shark cross the Pacific Ocean?

A: To find his dad.

This had me wheezing 😂🤣😂🤣