ME jokes
My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The bartender asks him why.
And the pirate says:
"Argh, It's driving me nuts."
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
Me: Name all the planets.
Other person: Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Neptune, Mercury, Uranus.
Me: Not my anus!
"Son, I found a condom in your room." "Gee, thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Bro, me
Friend: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Friend: Your life.
Me: Ahhh, I wish!
*jumps off building*
Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.
A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.
"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"
And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.
"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"
And so he did.
Three boy chihuahua were hot about this girl chihuahua. She tells them, "I will date whichever one of you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence."
First dog says, "I love cheese, but liver is bland."
She replies, "Really original."
Next dog, "I love liver, but cheese makes me constipated."
She replies, "Ew, gross."
Third dog steps up, "Man, liver alone cheese mine."
Winner dog 3.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
Me: What's that sound?
Ex: What?
Me: Oh, it's the elevator going up. BYEEEE see you on another level!
On Paxomedy channel, I made a video of a Rooster and a dog fighting.
I needed to know why they were fighting. Once I dug down into the issue, it turned out that the Dog called the Rooster a Cock, and the Rooster laughed and called the Dog a useless Bitch, and that was the beginning of their fight, and weird enough, the Cock won!
I went to congratulate the winner, but he thought he was insulting me by calling me Zinjathropus, but I said that was a compliment because Zinja was an old skeleton found in Africa, and I am African. I said to the Rooster he shouldn't have fought with the dog just because he called him a Cock. He said that being called a Cock is a compliment, and the fighting was his exercise to toughen up for serious fights with Dogs!
Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"
I'm not racist, but the Ku Klux Klan look all the same to me.
The other day, I donated my car keys, $1,000, and a passport to a homeless man.
You could feel the happiness come from me after he holstered his suppressed shotgun.
Me: "I came home laughing."
Parents: "What's wrong?"
Me: "The teacher asked everyone a question. Luckily, I was the only one who knew."
Parents: "Good for you, Johnny. What was the fantastic question your teacher gave everyone and only you knew?"
Me: "Well, it's kinda complicated, but here it goes."
Parents: "What is it?"
Me: "Who farted?"
"Bully," omg, that girl is so ugly.
"Me," Wait, what...ever.
Dad: Son, everyone in your class got COVID.
Son (in a happy tone): I know.
Dad: How do you know and why are you so glad?
Son: Well, yesterday you told me to spread positivity.
I gave an orphan 5 dollars and I said, "Spend it on a candy bar." I came back 5 minutes later and he didn't have a candy bar. So I look over and I see that he has a piggy bank that has 40 dollars and I said, "Where did you get that?" He said, "For being homeless," and I said, "What are you going to spend it on?" He looked at me and said, "I'm going to pay money for a mother."
A random guy yelled at me, "Hey, slut!"
I walked towards him.
"I prefer slit," I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"You see these wrists?" I spat at him.