ME jokes

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Me.

Me who?

Not me.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. He took x-rays and told me to bend over and say "cheese!"

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

I am awesome, look at me!

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

Me rn: "Yo yo yo, for pre-K I went to K.I.S.S. a school."

My friend: "What is K.I.S.M.A.?"

Me: "K.I.S.M.A. balls!"

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

Your mum stinks of disabled people.

Wanna know why?

I don't know either, you tell me.

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.