ME jokes

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.

As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."

Roses are red, lemons are sour.

Spread your legs and give me an hour.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.

My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

These gags are killing me!

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.