ME jokes
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.
I love stairs. They always bring me up.
Crazy? I was crazy once, they put me in a room with rubber rats. Rats make me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once...
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me later!"
There was a very lazy person. He saw a banana peel in front of him while he was walking... and he said: “Oh God, protect me from falling!”
When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
Any 8 year old: Sus!
Me: Jake, we're at a funeral!
As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.
His neighbor asked Hodja,
"Do you have some forty-year-old vinegar?"
"I have," answered Hodja.
"Would you give me some? I need it to prepare a medication," said the man.
"No, I won't," replied Hodja. "If I had given some to everybody who asked for it, would I have it for forty years?"
My local hacker contacted me and told me that he hacked my computer.
I responded, “Show me proof.” He provided the username and password for my email account, bank account, video game accounts, and social media accounts. To be honest, that is the fastest “Forgot Password” procedure I’ve ever done.
Karen walks into McDonald's.
Lady at the counter: HI what can I get for you today??
Karen: I want 1 SMALL FRIES PLEASE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY LITTLE NOODLE!
Lady at the counter: yes miss.
Karen: I WILL NOW INSPECT THIS.
Lady at the counter: *sweats*
Karen: THIS IS NOT SALTY ENOUGHT! GET ME THE MANAGER KNOW, SKINY NOODLE!