ME jokes
Bully: You're gonna die.
Me: Hurry up then.
Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).
Student: How should I know, that's his story?
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
Trump goes to a bar and sees Hillary Clinton. He goes up to her and says, "Buy me a drink." She replies angrily, "Get your own drinks. What kind of a man asks a woman to buy him a drink?" Trump responds, "The kind that will grab you by the p***y."
I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldo’s laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, “Do you consent to cookies?” He said that he doesn’t eat cookies and doesn’t know what consent means, so that’s why he called me.
look at me and your mom
Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."
Me: John, what did he do earlier?
John: Hold on, I’m trying to think.
Me: I thought I smelled poop.
Papyrus: Sans, can you call Undyne for me and tell her that I found a human!
Sans: Sure bro, lemme just get on the Tele-bone.
Papyrus: Ssssaaaaannnnsss!!!!!!
Sans: Yea bro.
Papyrus: You know what? I will tell Undyne instead.
Boss: You're fired.
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?
I saw a piece of cheese and it told me a joke, but the joke was too cheesy.
Me: Let's go to Randy's.
Friend: There's no Randy's.
Me: Ran deez nuts with a car.
God, you’re having a good day?
Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a train? The train will touch me.
The coach yelled at me when I stole home. I ran home with the base and asked him where to put it.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
What’s the difference between me and a bakery shop? The bakery shop has cake! 😞🎂
The shark bit me and I feet red down my legs.
One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."
The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."
Bro, just imagine being named Brynley. Couldn't be me.
"Butter, butter, and butter, please, please bring me butter."