ME jokes

I have a lot of money, but I don't waste it.

So people call me poor until they see my bank account.

A gay guy asked me for directions, so I told him to go straight.

Teacher: What is your name? Me: Written in the stars.

Teacher: Where? Me: A million miles away.

Teacher: What are you talking about? Me: A message to the main.

Teacher: You must change your behavior! Me: Seasons come and go, but I will never change.

Teacher: Go to the school principal NOW! Me: And I'm on my way.

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

A salamander came by me the other day and he AXOLOTL questions. Ba dum tss!!!

I want to date depression cuz at least I know they won't leave me.

My boyfriend always likes when I wear my fishnet sleeves. He says it looks great on me, but he doesn’t know that my skin is covered with scars... no one does. No one questions why I wear them everyday. I hope it stays like that because I can’t deal with my mom finding out that I still hurt myself.

An old man goes to church.

One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt, and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand, he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again, he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

Me talks to an orphan: Hey, I have a joke.

Orphan: Go on then.

Me: Your family tree.

My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!

Me: I got 60 kills!

My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!

Me: What's Call of Duty?

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.

I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.

Dad: Alive.

Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).

Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.

Mother: Alive...

Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.

You cat to be kitten me right meow!