ME jokes

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

Doctor, what is wrong with me?

You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.

Friend: Knock, knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Short.

Me: Short who?

Friend: Short you!

Me: 🙁

Friend: 🤣

Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"

The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears!

I wonder why the plane got bigger and bigger, then it hit me.

He: "I love you."

Me: "I love myself too."

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

Student: Why does everyone hate me?

Another student: Because U got the A last night.

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."