ME jokes

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!

What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?

We were both caused by broken rubber.

Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.

Mom: I made you.

Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?

My Friend: What’s that?

Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I hate you.

I hate you who?

You hate me?? Rude!

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁

Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!

Whoever said that about me better pray!

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

Is it just me, or everybody has a dark side, like a psycho side, and then you act like crazy for some reason?

Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?

John: I don't know.

Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...

Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?

Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.