ME jokes
Kid 1: "It's a bird!"
Kid 2: "It's a plane!"
Me: "It's a terrorist!"
God, you’re having a good day?
Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?
Me: Word.
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
I am awesome, look at me!
For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.
What did the Mexican say when a house landed on him?
Esé said, “Get off me, homes!”
Me: I know a good 9/11 joke, but it would probably go over your head.
The Twin Towers: No, it won’t.
When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?
Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?
They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: A broken pencil.
Friend: A broken pencil who?
Me: Nevermind, it's pointless.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Friend: Why?
Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.
My science teacher asked me what is found inside cells.
I guess "blacks" wasn't the right answer.
As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.