ME jokes
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!
What are the similarities between a broken tire and me?
We were both caused by broken rubber.
Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁
Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.
Mom: I made you.
Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!
Neona (😞): Are you mad at me?
Gwen (😌): Me? NEVER! Sometimes we listen and don't listen, let's just hug it out!
Neona (😁): Agreed!
Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?
My Friend: What’s that?
Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I hate you.
I hate you who?
You hate me?? Rude!
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.
Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.
I love stairs. They always bring me up.
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
Nobody:
Me: "Nobody:" "Me:"