ME jokes

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?

Her dad always comes back.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

Your mom is so fat, when she swam in the sea, Wales came up to her and said, "We are family, even now you’re fatter than me."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

I couldn’t figure out why the football kept getting bigger... then it hit me!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Chicken.

Chicken who?

Are you chicken me????!!!!

When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.