ME jokes

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

"I got that dawg in me," said the Asian men after lunch.

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.

A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”

“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

Person with no arms: Even though I have no arms, I can do anything you guys can.

Me: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏 If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. 👏👏

Person with no arms: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"

"Yeah, over my dead body!"

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."

For some reason a group of emo kids are following me because I gave them a Happy Meal.

Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.

Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(

POV: Me going to jail after giving the orphan kid a computer without the motherboard.

"Officer, don’t arrest me, she said she was 5 in dog years!"

An orphan comes up to me and says, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candace. Candace who? Candace be true, you don’t remember me?