ME jokes

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”

Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”

I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.

I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.

Me: Truth or dare?

Crush: Dare.

Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.

Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.

Me: Ok, what is your phone number?

There was a girl called Millie, and she had sexy blond hair, and she wanted to chase me, but I told her she had to catch me first if she loves me.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

I am awesome, look at me!

God, you’re having a good day?

Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

Call me an edgelord because I'm gonna impale myself on the edge of a spear.

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

No matter how much I cry, the white people still left me hanging.

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

POV: The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

:me😐

Jacob likes fucking me and my mom.