ME jokes
When I got to school, they gave me an Acer laptop, so I went up to the teacher and aced her.
What's the difference between me and Elizabeth Afton?
Her dad always comes back.
My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.
A B C D E F G H I see a bitch in front of me.
I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.
Memes
Me: I need a good roast.
My friend: Take me!
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.
Some guy interviewed me and asked how it felt to kill thousands of people. I replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only killed communists.”
What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?
We're all empty on the inside.
Doctor: You should stop masturbating.
Me: Doc, I'm almost done.
Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?
Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
My mom told me to be positive...
I was heading to an HIV test.
Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."
Baby: Stroll?
Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!
Baby: *happily screams*
Stroller: *front wheels break off*
Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!
Baby: Oka- CRASH!
The only joke my dad ever made was me.
I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.
I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.
Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?
Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.
Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?