ME jokes

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

Baby: Stroll?

Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!

Baby: *happily screams*

Stroller: *front wheels break off*

Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!

Baby: Oka- CRASH!

The only joke my dad ever made was me.

I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

I am like mushrooms. Nobody likes me, but everybody tolerates me.

I forgot what a boomerang was. Oh well, it’ll come back to me.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

When the bully says, "You're adopted," so you hit him with, "At least someone wanted me!"

I jump and jump if you put bread in me too many times. What am I? A toaster.

I don't really understand 9/11 jokes, but they eventually hit me like a plane.

Me: Mom, can I have some makeup?

Mom: No. You are beautiful just the way you are.

Me: So that’s why you wear makeup?

I caught my wife this morning gazing at our marriage license of long ago that hangs upon our wall with tears in her eye!

Almost got teary eyed myself until she told me she was only looking for the expiration date!

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

What do you call an orphan's family region?

Me time.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

Me: Hey, are your parents here?

Orphan: (crying) STOP CALLING HERE!

I was wearing a George Floyd t-shirt

And a person said to me:

"That must be a bit tight round the neck".