ME jokes
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: A broken pencil.
Friend: A broken pencil who?
Me: Nevermind, it's pointless.
Me: Hey Joe, updog.
Joe: What?
Me: Updog.
Joe: What's updog?
*Facepalms*
Me: Lol in the corner.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.
Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
Well shit
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.
They always make me cry.
For some reason, quarks sound really strange to me.
Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?
"Make me one with everything."
I told AI to talk dirty to me. It started describing my browser history.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candace. Candace who? Candace be true, you don’t remember me?
I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"
Do you know why they call me battery saver?
I get turned on when it’s below 10%.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
"I got that dawg in me," said the Asian men after lunch.
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!
Kid 1: "It's a bird!"
Kid 2: "It's a plane!"
Me: "It's a terrorist!"
I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.