ME jokes

Marriage

    • My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."

    ME memes

    Depression

    • Dentist: Open up, sir.

    Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.

    Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.

    Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.

    Dentist: Do you need help??

    Me: Yep.

    Dentist: ...

    Me: ....

  • 2

    • Tattoo

    • Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?

    Me: Nah, not really.

    Friend: What did they feel like?

    Me: 7th grade.

    Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨

  • 1

    • Date

    • I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

  • 9

    • Wife

    • My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

    I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.

  • 1

    • Word

    • Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

    Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

  • 1

    • Innuendo

    • These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.

    Boy: Spell ME.

    Girl: M-E.

    Boy: You forgot the D.

    Girl: There is no D in ME.

    Boy: Not yet.

  • 6

    • Parachute

    • There were 5 people on an airplane.

    1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

    The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

    "Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

    The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

    The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

    The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

    Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

    And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

    Airplane

    • There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.

    Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"

  • 3

    • Insult

    • The time I saw you and you asked me to be your friend.

    Me: "Yeah... no. You're too ugly. Even your parents never loved you."

    Kid: 😭