ME jokes

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Random: What are your hobbies?

Me: Bullying kids in WhatsApp groups 💀

Bro, just imagine being named Brynley. Couldn't be me.

Me: "The villain has a point, you know."

Everyone else watching the WW2 documentary:

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A blind man handed me a piece of paper. It said, "⠊⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠞⠗⠁⠝⠎⠇⠁⠞⠑ ⠞⠓⠊⠎ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠁⠗⠑ ⠛⠁⠽."

I have no idea how he knew.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

What did the fat guy say to the tree?

"Get me some coconuts!"

Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.

Me: I know a good 9/11 joke, but it would probably go over your head.

The Twin Towers: No, it won’t.

One day this kid says to his dad, "Dad, they bully me at school."

His dad asks why, and the kid says, "They bully me because I got no hands."

Then his dad says, "Who would do such a thing like that? I want to know who they are. Point at them!"

When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.

But that’s just me in a nutshell.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?