ME jokes
Spare.
You got a spare, spare me an inch of that far juicy cock.
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
You must be a Charmander. Because you’re making me hot.
Pokemon.
I hate long plants. They make me Ivysaur. Hahahahahahaha Pokemon!
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
Memes
Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).
Student: How should I know, that's his story?
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
Who wants to laugh about life with me?
Is it just me, or everybody has a dark side, like a psycho side, and then you act like crazy for some reason?
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.
My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
Boss: Why are you so bad at driving trains? How many have you derailed this year?
Me: Sorry, boss, it’s hard to keep track.
There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.
They always make me cry.
I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
He: "I love you."
Me: "I love myself too."
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.