ME jokes

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.

I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."

Orphans have it lucky.

When teachers threaten to call parents, the orphans say, "Try me."

When teachers give homework, orphans say, "Where?"

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

What did the Mexican say when a house landed on him?

Esé said, “Get off me, homes!”

My teacher called me beautiful. I hate when she lies.

Me: Knock, knock.

Another person (OP): OP: Who's there? Me: Hatch. OP: Hatch who? Me: Bless you =) OP: But I didn't sneeze. Me: You just don't get a joke, do you?

I drip when you take me in the mouth, what am I? Ice cream.

I met a baseball player, so I told him to make a home run, and he just looked at me with sadness. I don't know why.

By the way, he was an orphan.

My friend told me an EMO joke once, and I said, "EMO jokes aren't funny, cut it out!"

"Kylin milks me all day like I'm a cow."

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

Me and the boys are cool.