ME jokes
Me: Knock knock.
Friend: Who's there?
Me: A broken pencil.
Friend: A broken pencil who?
Me: Nevermind, it's pointless.
Me: Hey Joe, updog.
Joe: What?
Me: Updog.
Joe: What's updog?
*Facepalms*
Me: Lol in the corner.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears!
I wonder why the plane got bigger and bigger, then it hit me.
For some reason, quarks sound really strange to me.
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
Friend: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Friend: Short.
Me: Short who?
Friend: Short you!
Me: 🙁
Friend: 🤣
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
Doctor, what is wrong with me?
You will never be able to walk again. It ain't like with me on the field it would make the Miami Dolphins any better.
Student: Why does everyone hate me?
Another student: Because U got the A last night.
Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I thought a waitress said to me, "You're good looking." In fact, she was asking if I'd like some pudding.
Repeat after me: Die angle; die angle; sweetie. Angels don't die! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.