ME jokes
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
God, you’re having a good day?
Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.
Asking for a friend, could anyone please tell me how to politely ask a question for a friend?
When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.
So they can let me down one last time.
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it.
Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?
Me: Word.
Why does everyone call me racist?
My shadow is black.
I met a fat chick at the beach.
People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?
Daveon says, "Oh wow, she's so beautiful!" The doctor then says, "Yes, but sadly, your wife didn't make it..." Daveon then states, "Give me the one my wife made then!"
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom, what's dark humor?" I thought about it, then said, "Go wave to that blind person." He just looked at me, confused, but angry.
What do me and a blind person have in common after I look at Alfie's mum?
We're both blind.
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
One like = more from me to you. 👊
I went to school on a Saturday. My teacher asked why I am here, so I replied that my brother told me to go to hell.
Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.
Me: Truth or dare?
Crush: Dare.
Me: I dare you to give me your phone number.
Crush: Umm nevermind, truth.
Me: Ok, what is your phone number?
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.