ME jokes

I was walking home, then I saw a "Wait" sign. A man came and took me. I'm still waiting for him to ask for a lesson.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

He: "I love you."

Me: "I love myself too."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

Teacher: Tell me about the history of Tsar Nicholas (blah blah blah).

Student: How should I know, that's his story?

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?

"Can you give me some pointers?"

Me: Hey Joe, updog.

Joe: What?

Me: Updog.

Joe: What's updog?

*Facepalms*

Me: Lol in the corner.

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears!

Your mom: Your plate is full, that's enough food on your plate.

Me: My plate is not full, I still see the white of the plate.

Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.

Nobody:

Me: "Nobody:" "Me:"

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

For some reason, quarks sound really strange to me.

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.