ME jokes
As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...
Did you hear the one about the deaf person?
Me: No.
That's because they can't hear, so they don't talk.
I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.
Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!
My friends: Hi to my little friend!
Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.
Teacher and kid.
Kid: Hey, teacher.
Teacher: Yes?
Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!
Me and my receding hairline? Believe me, we go way back.
My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.
I went to the doctor because I had a steering wheel in my pants, and it was driving me nuts.
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
How do you start a fight in space?
"Comet me, bro."
What is an orphan's favorite Roblox game? Adopt Me.
There are two muffins baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"
The other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
I went to the store the other day and scanned an emo's arm.
It gave me a discount!
Imagine being emo.
Couldn't be me.
Knock knock, who's there? God.
God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!
Today I went to the doctor for a test, and he said I have 10 months to live.
So later that day I stabbed him to death, and the judge sentenced me for 15 years in prison. Problem solved!
Teacher: Why did you throw paper airplanes at the twin sisters?
Me: You wouldn't get it.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
A 14 year old girl finds out she is pregnant. Her: "Crap! My mom is going to kill me!"
The fetus: "lol same here."
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”