ME jokes
Bully: Shut up, motherfucker!
Me: Well, stop talking to me and I won't have to keep fucking your mother.
I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
symple: Why did you include me in this fuckery?
symple: And why the fuck am I the profile picture?
angela: Because you are the thot of the group.
symple: Well it takes one to know one.
symple: Aren't Thot jokes just "whore'able?"
angela: FUCK OFF!
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
me right now
Ha! It asked me to submit a joke, but then I realized I'm the joke.
Two friends fighting.
Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"
Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."
Me and your hairline go way back, years and years.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way, it will never come for me.
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
Frenid: R u gay?
Me: Yes u
Frenid: No I am bi.
Me: Dang it!
Frenid: What?
Me: I like u.
Frenid: Ok I like u to.
A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"
The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."
A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.
There are people weirder looking than me.
Like who?
Like people with Down syndrome.
My chocolate babe is calling my name, and now I'm about to get my chocolate freak on.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
Everyone when we're in the cafeteria singing happy birthday to some random person: "Happy birthday to you..., Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear
Me in the background: Happy deathday to you..., Happy deathday to you, happy death day dear___, happy death day to you!"
I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"
My ex's love for me :(
I still love the dude sadly, but I won't take him back.