ME jokes
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes.
He hugged me!
Q: What did the kid say to the emo kid?
A: Don't leave me hanging!
Me as a 5-year-old: How do you relate to the Twin Towers?
Friend: What?
Me: Every time I think of them, I feel sad.
I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.
But I got seven Up.
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.
I forgot what a boomerang was. Oh well, it’ll come back to me.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife asked me to connect more on my feminine side. So I crashed our car and fucked my trainer.
Science teacher: How many times can the earth fit into the sun?
Me: As many times as the earth can fit into you.
The mailman came to drop the mail off.
Me (son): I went and told my mommy that daddy is home.
Mommy tells me, "You got no daddy."
Then I say, "I hear you always call the mailman daddy."
Why do trees always gotta leave me hanging?
Pass me the sugar, Sugar!
Pass me the honey, Honey!
Pass me the teabag!
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Person: Sure.
Me: Never mind, I was gonna say my life, but my life isn't a joke! Jokes have meaning.
Person: Dear God...
"Freshfry, please leave me and prince alone! I never asked you to join our chat!"
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
A guy asked me what I do for a living.
Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"
Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"