ME jokes

Ok, so I have a joke for you, go look in the mirror and when you realize, come back to me and tell me.

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I love trash bags because they remind me of my heart... black.

People: (arguing about stopping orphan jokes since they aren't funny).

Me: (m e h. i d o n t c a r e)

Little Johnny walked into his parents' room to see them going at it.

He asked his mom what they were doing, and she said, "Uh, we're play fighting," and he's like, "With no clothes on?"

She said, "Yeah," and so he said, "Let me join you then..."

What do emo boys and emo girls have in common? They both wanna die and cut so they can die faster, but they are already dead, already dead to me!

What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?... You crack me up.

My father touched me yesterday. I called him a priest.

Person: You're so ugly.

Me: You ugly.

Person: I'm not a mirror.

Me: And I'm not your reflection.

I’d roast you, but your mirror does that for me every day.

Me: DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I HAVE 50 SECONDS TO LIVE!

Doctor: Sit down for a minute.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

"Between you and me, something smells!"

A handicapped person was making fun of me, so I walked away.

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

This is a 2 for 1 plane combo that will never exist.

But, it's like a plane pizza.

Nothing happens, but it terrorizes me.

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.

I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their Facebook status to single.

I fight with my parents, but you don't see me change my status to "Orphan."