ME jokes

Once I asked Siri to tell me a joke, and it asked me, "What is the difference between a large pizza and you?" One can feed a family.

I told Siri about my dog, and she told me if she could tell me a joke to cheer me up, and I said okay.

She asked me, "Knock knock." I said, "Who is there?" She said, "Not your dog."

My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)

Hi everyone, today I am taking requests for anything you want me to say.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

Her: "Land of the free".

Me: *fat*

Her: What do you mean?

Me: It's not fat-free.

Your forehead is so big when you walk by I can't see what's in front of me.

My friend just told me about reverse exorcisms.

In these, the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

Follow me.

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"

Sometimes I look back at everything bad I have done. I tell myself it's ok, they're just telling me to keep myself safe :)

That's it, it wasn't a joke.

What's the difference between me and Bill Cosby?

I haven't been caught.

Me and my friends jumped some orphans. Who will they tell? Their parents?

Me and my friend are walking, we see a kid. My friend asks him why he's crying and if he lost his parents. He said, "Yeah." I slapped my friend because we were at an orphanage.