ME jokes

Friend

    • My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"

    Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"

    Pizza

    • Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

    Dirt

    • When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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    • ME memes

    Ball

    • Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!

    Ancestry.com

    • I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

    She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

    Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

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    • Children

    • My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

    If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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    • Sister

    • Me: What did my sister do when she dressed up as Elsa and I gave her a balloon?

    You: What?

    Me: She let it go, let it go!

    Hat

    • Little Jonny Bad Ass was sitting on a porch one day, and a preacher was in the house. Little Jonny Bad Ass had to use the bathroom, so he bangs on the door saying, "Mom, I have to use the bathroom!" His mom says wait. So Little Jonny Bad Ass saw a hat on the step. He looks around, pulls his pants down, and shits in the hat.

    A few later, the preacher comes out and says, "I see you have my hat!" Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "Yeah, I caught the world's fastest bird!" The preacher says, "Well, let me see him!" Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "No, I don't know." Well, the preacher says, "I'll put my hands by the hat, you lift, and I'll catch him!" Little Jonny Bad Ass lifted the hat and the preacher clapped his hands, and Little Jonny Bad Ass says, "Now see the bird don't shit," and ran.

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    • Trash

    • Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

    Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

    Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

    Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

    Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

    Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

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    • Drunk

    • A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

    Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

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