ME jokes
One time I was watching TV.
Mom: Omg, your dad is coming!
Me: Omg, really?
Mom: Sike, I lied.
When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"
My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
What did the woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
"Excuse me, sir, you're in my son."
Tell me a joke about sodium.
Na.
Here me out this would be a sad movie
My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.
I saw a kid crying. I asked him what's wrong, where are your parents? They paused and looked at me funny... GOD I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE.
People: You're ugly.
Me: Ok.
People: I hate you.
Me: Cool, IDC.
People: You're annoying.
Me: Good for me.
People: BTS is dumb.
Me: I'll give you 5 seconds to run!
What did the adopted poker player say?
"Will you raise me?"
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Dad: Ok kids, this selfie will just be me! *screen cracks*
Mom told me drugs are my enemies.
Jesus said to like your enemies.
Yay, I can like drugs then!
Gf: Hi.
Bf: Hi.
Gf: Did you eat yet?
Bf: Did you eat yet?
Gf: Are you copying me?
Bf: Are you coping me??
Gf: I love you.
Bf: Yeah, I ate already.
My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."