ME jokes

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?

Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

Tell me a joke.

My life.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo, so I gave them a halo.

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.

The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.