ME jokes

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

Me: Hey, that's a really heavy bag, do you have a lot of books and magazines in there?

The Quiet Kid: Yeah, magazines.....

I fell in love with my computer because it helps me Excel.

Orange you glad to see me?

Gf: Hi.

Bf: Hi.

Gf: Did you eat yet?

Bf: Did you eat yet?

Gf: Are you copying me?

Bf: Are you coping me??

Gf: I love you.

Bf: Yeah, I ate already.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

My sister says, "Dad," and repeats it, and this is my dad: WOULD U STOP me? 😑

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

Me: *posts random joke about a duck*

That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."

That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."

Bro it’s a joke...

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.

The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!

The lines on the pride flag are straighter than me.

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

Who's a pineapple? I'm a pineapple... Yass.

Teacher and kid.

Kid: Hey, teacher.

Teacher: Yes?

Kid: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Kid: Well, I didn't do my homework!

A llama kicked me out of my house. Alpaca my bags.

Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo, so I gave them a halo.

What is an orphanage's favorite Roblox game?

"Adopt Me."