ME jokes
The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.
She won't talk to me anymore.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.
What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."
The lines on the pride flag are straighter than me.
Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more!
What is an orphanage's favorite Roblox game?
"Adopt Me."
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Me: Your parents.
What's an orphan's favorite Roblox game?
"Adopt Me."
So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"
So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."
I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.
It really gave me a hard time indeed.