ME jokes

Tell me a joke.

My life.

At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

Abortion is a difficult topic for me.

One hand I support it because it kills children.

On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

A joker held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice gesture.

I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.

The lines on the pride flag are straighter than me.

The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!

Once my girlfriend asked me to give her lipstick, and I accidentally gave her the glue stick.

She won't talk to me anymore.

The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.

Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.

What's the difference between me and a hairdresser? We both cut too much.

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.