ME jokes

How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?

Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"

Tell me a joke.

My life.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

The amount of women judging me for raping a poor lady is terrible. You weren't there. You don't know!

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her... so I said yes.

I have more respect for cancer than depression, because cancer has the balls to kill me himself.

The lines on the pride flag are straighter than me.