ME jokes

"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."

Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?

Teacher: 203

Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

Teacher: You can't.

Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?

Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.

The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?

Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.

Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.

Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?

Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?

Student: No, the alligators are at the party.

Sally dies anyway, how?

Teacher: She frowned?

Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.

Abortion is a difficult topic for me.

On one hand I support it because it kills children.

On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

I didn't get the joke at first, then it hit me like a plane.

My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.

I’ll be hanging with them for a while.

How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

The people at 9/11 must have been able to read fast. If I explain it, it won't be funny. This is an old joke my friend told me.

Why did the orphan cry when the teacher yelled at him?

Because the teacher said, "Don't make me call your parents!"

Tell me a joke.

My life.

My sister reminds me of 911: one moan of "OMG" got everyone's attention.

At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.

A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.

I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."

Me: *posts random joke about a duck*

That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."

That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."

Bro it’s a joke...

I'm always willing to go down on a handicapped girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.