ME jokes

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.

Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?

Person: Big black what?

Riddler: ...

Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.

Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.

My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.

Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?

He didn't give me any.

I was made by the Devil.

Your sister: You're so ugly.

Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

You are able to travel to the anime world, believe me, Michael Jackson did it.

Me: Hey, are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: Your parents.

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

(Bully) Boy, you ugly!

(Me) Boy, shut up, that's why your hairline start at the back of your head.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

What did John Cena say to the blind kid? "You can't see me."

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.