ME jokes

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."

It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.

Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."

"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."

Employer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: No, but I do a pretty good "Bohemian Rhapsody."

Yo, sis, come here.

Sis: What?

Me: Oh, sorry, you doing school?

Sis: Yup.

Me: Can I go?

Sis: No way, you're going to hug me.

Me: I love you.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Wanna hear a joke?

Me.

When I see James Charles, my popcorn goes pop pop.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

I've thought about suicide, but there's always been a part of me that knows I wouldn't be able to live with the decision.

Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.

“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”

“Why is that?”

“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”

All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.

Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.

I’m in catholic school.

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?

Person: Big black what?

Riddler: ...

Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. What the fuck are you mad at me for? My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.