ME jokes

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

"Lazy."

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.