ME jokes

Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.

My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.

A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.

All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...

Video game company names always make me make puns I didn't intend to.

Them: "You're ugly."

Me: "No, as ugly as your extra chromosome."

Someone said to me they like greasy food with gravy.

I said no wonder your forehead's so greasy.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin', they hatin'!

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my pasta fetish. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.

Teacher: Where's your homework?

Student: At home...

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better time than me.

My life.

Kill me, please.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.