ME jokes

Me: Hey, what book are you reading?

Him: "The Twisted Ones."

Me: Uh, I guess that book is pretty twisted.

I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.

There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.

One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."

The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."

The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.