ME jokes

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say."

The doctor says, "Next, please."

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.