Marriage jokes

Who did the bee 🐝 marry?

Her honey!

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)

What do you call a Hippie's Wife? A Mississippi.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

120 pounds.

How do you save your wife from drowning?

Take your foot off her neck.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Why did Miss Stephen get divorced? She didn't float, too.

What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?

Can't elope.

What do you call Holly and Elenji?

A couple.

How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?

Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.

What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."