My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)
How does the cop respond to being called racist?
He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."
Marriage is really educational.
When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"
Dad: "I donât know, son. Iâm still paying for it."
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "Iâm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yesâthe others were 7's and 8's.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "Youâre next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "Youâre next!"
What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right.
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, thereâs a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
What did Cinderella say to Prince Charming?
"Want to see if it fits?"
Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!
Why did Miss Stephen get divorced? She didn't float, too.
What do you call Holly and Elenji?
A couple.
What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?
Can't elope.
I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.
