Marriage jokes

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."

Before you leave that marriage, remember that one innocent 🐐 goat was killed for your traditional marriage. 😔

Why can orphans not get married?

They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!

Wife: “I want another baby.”

Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one!”

A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”

The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”

The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

I caught my wife cheating on me.

I beat my son and grounded him.

You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

Why can't antelopes get married?

Because they can't elope.

Two TV antennas got married. The church ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.