Marriage jokes

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.

Kurt Cobain said he wished he was gay.

That's why he married Courtney Love.

The pinnacle of loyalty is that an ant married an elephant, and after he died, she spent her entire life burying him :)

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

My girlfriend got COVID.

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.