Man jokes

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

Why do more women than men oppose abortion? Because they prefer not to get raped.

I look at my girlfriend’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can.

Like it’s my next meal.

Two men were bartering over a marble slab. A lot of counter-offers were made.

What kind of man would be a lesbian's best friend? A decimen.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.

Why did the man fall into a well? He couldn’t see that well.

What is an orphan's favorite movie? Hint, not Home Alone. It's actually Batman, 'cause they are 50% the same as him.

Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

Depression: "Lie in bed."

How do you get a fat kid to lose weight?

You pay the ice cream man to keep on driving. IDK.

What did the caveman say while seeing a reptile taking off?

Look at that dino-sour!

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man into giving him a blowjob?

The gay man asks the heterosexual man if he wants to give him a "brojob."

Q: What do you call a Mexican man that lost his car?

A: Carlos.

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

What do you call a heterosexual man giving a brojob to another heterosexual man?

gay now, heterosexual later.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"