Magic jokes

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?

Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom raises his mug and says, "Okay, get rid of my tea."

Genie: Poof!

Tom: It didn't work.

What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?

A ham sandwich.

What do you call a booty that can do magic?

A butt trick!

Harry Potter

Dobby: "Dobby never meant to kill, Dobby only meant to maim or seriously injure!"

Jumanji

Coach Webb: "Ok, there's a lot wrong with that."

Hogwarts is making a new condom. It's called "fetus deletus."

What a magic trick, it's so bad!

Too bad, chick.

What do you call a wizard who uses Ice Magic? A: A Blizzard!

A dwarf walks into a bar.

He asks for a shot of whiskey. The bartender gives him the 🥃, and it turns into a gallon of whiskey. The bartender sees this and takes it back, and it turns back into a shot of whiskey.

I took a bite of my lunch. “Is that a sand witch?!”

Why did the rapper become a magician?

Because he wanted to drop some ILL-USIONS.

What do you call a rapper who's also a magician?

A LYRICAL ILLUSIONIST

A magician walks up to a girl and asks her to feel the rabbit in the magician's hat.

The magician asks the girl to rub the rabbit. The girl notices the rabbit sticks up and drools; the hat was covering the hips.

Too many people.

Not enough VooDoo dolls.

That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.

What did the magician do as a trick in his show?

Make your doubts about magic... DISAPPEAR!

What do you call a teen wizard who just went through puberty?

Hairy Potter.

Who’s better, Bird or Magic?

- What do you call a dog that can do magic?

- A labracadabrador.