Magic Jokes

What if you put a scared homosexual guy and an angry homophobic guy inside a stable?

Hmm, let's see, if the homosexual guy has some good luck, maybe he will meet a super unicorn and help him out to defeat the angry homophobic guy :D

How did Voldemort lose his nose?

From uncontrolled Gold Mining!

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

To all those who say this is a joke, it isn't. It's a core of humor and magic. It's a part of humor we can keep. Like if you agree.

*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.

*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.

*Me sits down in the chair*

*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.

*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.

*walks out without paying*

*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.

*customer:* I told u she would.

A picture shows Spongebob Squarepants dressed as a wizard, hanging from a rope. Text above the image reads: "After Spongebob realizes he cannot revive Hitler using black magic, he hangs himself." Text below the image says: "Saddest Suicide Story-You Will Cry" and "26,524 views"

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

I was doing a magic show. I tried to make a bunny disappear, but it didn’t work.

I walked outside in shame. I looked up and realised the towers had disappeared!!!!

A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

I don't know, my friend did it.

What’s a witch’s favorite makeup?

Ma-SCARE-a!

What do you call a magician that makes beer? Brew-dini?

What did the wizard say when he was filling up the gas tank? "Expensive Petroleum!"

What do you call a wizard who can't secure a girl? Fumbledore.

So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.

We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.

Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.

Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?

I was given an invisibility cloak by my grandfather, but it was stolen in 2013. After investigating this issue, I have come to the conclusion it was Robert Lewandisney.

That's why he was invisible in every big game since 2013. SHAME ON YOU LEWANDISNEY!

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.