Like jokes

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself.

So I treat everyone like garbage.

Your mom's like a candy machine; she pops out for anybody.

Titanic walks into a bar. Britannic: "What would you like to drink?" Titanic: "An iceberg."

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

Hi guys, I'm back! So I have a question for you. What is red and smells like blue paint? Type in comments what you came up with.

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's fingers!

Like this if you are in elementary, middle school, or high school.

In Junior High, we had to do a report on euthanasia. I misunderstood the report and wrote about how I'd really like a Korean girlfriend.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.

Like if you laugh.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

What would the world be like without women?

A pain in the ass.

I love your hair today.

How did you get it to come out your nose like that?

You are so hairy, you starred in Donkey Kong before!

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite." Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly." Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game." Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..." Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

Why can’t Kurt Cobain ride in the passenger seat?

Because he doesn’t like when someone calls "shotgun!"

This joke is like a vacuum cleaner... it sucks.

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?