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Yo mama so fat she makes the sun look like a dwarf star!
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
Looking at me is like being on your phone, in a car, on a long trip. You're fine for the first 10 minutes, then after that you feel sick.
I would like to make a Minecraft joke...
It would be too plain.
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.
He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.
Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
Well, it really do be like it shouldn't, but it is.
My arse hole hurts like no joke, man. I just had to tell that your heads a peanut, you fucking nonce, kid, you fat fuck sack, your mum you dirty cow!
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Apples get picked. Lel. I hope you guys like this joke.
Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets!
UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!!
Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE!
Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematorium you're doing "a good job," do it at home and your "destroying evidence."
Error sans: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
What do you call a priest that likes juice?
A Capriest Sun.
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
Why is Ronan's forehead the size of Jupiter? Because he dropped the TV on his forehead. It also had rings.
Why is Jupiter's ring stuck in orbit? Because Ronan's forehead kept it stuck in orbit.
Snails are like sperm, slow and sloppy.
The Titanic, just like my phone, IT JUST WON'T SYNC.
Edit: Never mind, it started to sync...
I am curious how many likes this will get.
LIKE IT!!!!!
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
Parents are like food—not all kids get them.
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.