Like jokes

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

Hi, my name is Crappy. I like tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and more tacos and ya now GET LOST!

An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.

The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Head look like a mf gorilla pop.

Wow, this group is a joke, like my life.

I like tacos more than you like tacos.

Who likes more tacos?

Mee! said the taco.

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

I don’t like stairs. They are always up to something.

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

*bowl of dark grapes*

Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.

Friend 2: Black? Good one.

Friend 1: 21 at a time.

So I stayed at my friend's house for a few days, and I was like, "OMG, why?" So, I am going home because I’m going to my best friend's house.

This joke is short... like your dick!

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

Seat belts are like the condom for cars.

Why do people always talk about 9/11, but seriously, just let it sit there, like the rubble it is.

Friends are like trees, they fall over if you hit them with an ax.