Like jokes
Why did George Clooney like egg jokes?
Because he had good taste.
Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*
Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?
Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~
What do you call a mouse that doesn't like being known about?
Anonymouse.
Who likes eating ass?
My Little Pony.
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
Looks like he never charged up fully.
It's weird how Stephen Hawking's last name sounds like "walking and talking," but he could not do either of those!
You know what really grinds my gears? Robots and liars...for example that Stephen Hawking fella. He sure looks and sounds like a robot!! And a major liar too! If he wanted to show me how smart he really was he would have figured out how to get up out of that four wheeler and tell me how smart he is!!!!!
Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.
Now that Stephen Hawking is dead, the jokes will start to roll in just like he used to.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging. Think the opening line goes something like, “They see me rolling, they hating.”
Why do cats like to sing? They're very mewsical!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.
If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.
This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.
An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"
His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.
He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"
"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"
"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."
What is blue but smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
The pilot goes "We're going down!"
The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"