Lifestyle jokes
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
What's an emo's favorite game?
Hangman.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
Why did the emo kid not cross the road?
He was waiting for a car.
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
What game do emo kids love the most?
Hangman.