Lifestyle jokes
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
Memes
Something I came across today.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
What game do emo kids love the most?
Hangman.
Why did the emo kid not cross the road?
He was waiting for a car.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.
What's an emo's favorite game?
Hangman.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
I tried being an emo, but I never got the hang of it.
What's a cannibal's favourite drink?
A Bloody Mary.