Lifestyle jokes
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
I love vegans because they save more meat for us.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
What game do emo kids love the most?
Hangman.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
What's an emo's favorite game?
Hangman.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.