My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
Lifestyle Jokes
What do you call a gay drive-by?
A fruit roll up.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Why did the emo kid not cross the road?
He was waiting for a car.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
What is the only place fat people live?
Obi-city.
What's an emo's favorite game?
Hangman.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
What game do emo kids love the most?
Hangman.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
I have a choking kink, so I will enjoy hanging.
What's a cannibal's favourite drink?
A Bloody Mary.
What's the difference between an emo and my clothes?
My clothes don't hang themselves.
I don't see why people say emo kids never hangout.
Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!
1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.