Lifestyle jokes
An emo tried to high-five a tree.
It left him hanging.
Why was the emo jealous of the orange?
It came precut.
I broke up with my emo girlfriend yesterday, look who came crawling back!
How many emos does it take to fix a light?
I don't know because they never came down.
Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A jolly rancher.
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
Why can't an emo person be in charge of sky diving?
He won't deploy the parachute.
When an emo asks you to hang out under a tree...
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they sit in the dark and cry xdddd.
How often do emos go swimming in a lifetime?
Just once.
If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!
I'm high and it's very hot.
I need some water, but I don't got none. AHAHA.
I wish my grass was emo, so then it could cut itself.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?
The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.
I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."
"Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."
Like if you know someone emo.
Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?
Can I push your stool in for ya?