Lifestyle jokes

Explain bear still lives in his mother's basement.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

What do you call a gay guy eating Cheerios?

Fruit Loops.

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just like hanging in the dark.

"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."

How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?

"Wanna hang together?"

What is the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

Two gay guys are in a burning building, who gets out first? The one on the top or the bottom?

The bottom because his sh*t's already packed.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.

I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."

"Confucius say: Man go asy, full retard. It's an art, a weapon, and a lifestyle. Once you go full retard, there is no going back."

Like if you know someone emo.

What is an emo's most hated game? Hangman.

Because it's rubbing it in their face that they can't hang themselves.

What do you call a fat woman that prays?

A holy cow.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

You cut the rope.

Why is there no open hunting season on hippies?

Have you ever tried to clean one?

Three gay guys walk into a bar.

There is only one stool left, what do they do?

They flip the stool over.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

What does an Emo do with his friends?

Literally hanging out.