Lifestyle Jokes

Amanda Bynes is a lush blond who has quickly become a blond lush.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

What kind of milk does a new age calf drink?

Dairy free.

Me and my brother talking about relationships.

Me: We live kind of differently.

Brother: We're sort of alike.

Me: We're not alike.

Brother, because he's taken: 'Cause you don't have a boyfriend!

My thoughts: You're right. 'Cause I have a girlfriend!

Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?

An illustration shows a bed divided into two sides. One side is labeled "MY SIDE" and appears clean and organized, while the other side contains items like "spiders", "unknown stains", "medication", "xbox controller", "two loaded handguns", and an "empty pringles can".

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

Your mom is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the bed.

Why was the emo mad?

The picture got hung, not her.

Imagine going up to an emo and saying, "You're just like a spider, you're both good at hanging."

You're so poor, you use the same toilet paper every time you take a poop!

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?

The emo girl still bleeds.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Is it okay to say "nice to meat you" to a vegan?

What is the difference between cremation and smoking?

While you are smoking, you don't go up in smoke.

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!