People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.
Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body. But then I was born.
Comment on this if you are somewhat like me: depressed, single, gay, and act like you're not burning inside.
My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."
Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...
Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.
What do you call an emo with curly hair?
Sam Reid.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
Joke: I went to a paraplegic strip club the other day, the place was crawling with pussy.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
Women are like rolls of toilet paper. They are either really cheap or expensive, you use them a lot, and they deal with a lot of sh*t.
A kid goes into a restaurant without parents, and a waitress came up and said, "You have to leave; this is a family restaurant."
If you think long and hard, oral sex is like cannibals.
Why did your emo mom get you?
To have someone to hang out with.
These cannibal kids come running into the cave and ask their mom what's for dinner? She says, "Dad's gonna grill wieners!"
Why did the rapper refuse to write a diss track?
He didn’t want to start beef, he’s VEGAN.
Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?
The adult person I asked: Cereal?
Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?
The person: Yes.
Me: WHAT?!!!??!!
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
