Lifestyle jokes
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
When your friend moves to Texas and she comes back a cowgirl.
YEEEHAWW!
Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.
What’s one thing that a gay person is scared of?
A gay guy that’s straight!
Cooper and Max want to get fucked in the ass by guys.
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
So if I drink alcohol, you're an alcoholic. But if I drink Fanta, I’m fantastic.
What do you do when you made a misteak?
You do some yoga 🧘♀️ and say, "Namaaa steak."
These cannibal kids come running into the cave and ask their mom what's for dinner? She says, "Dad's gonna grill wieners!"
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: .....it...
Friend: No
Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!
Friend: Why are you like this?
I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.
The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."
Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"
I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"
Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"
John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.
By Lewis
Jake, Tommy, and Mike were adopted. Jake got adopted, Tommy got adopted, and Mike. Mike grew up to be an office worker. So you get a new job, and hear something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY!"
what do you call a lazy gay?
someone who comes straight out of the closet, and goes straight to the couch.
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.